[Red Pill 101] Ep. 5

Big Ideas

  • If you’re having sex once a month or less, you’re in a sexless marriage
  • Comfort and routine kills her passion; competition anxiety and indignation keeps her turned on
  • Always demonstrate what you want her to do, never explicate
  • Mentally divorcing your wife is the toughest part of being “awakened while married.” You have to build a better life for YOU, regardless how she responds.
  • Genuine desire-based sex is the only thing a wife can provide that a man can’t get anywhere else.

Resources Mentioned


20% of married people today haven’t had sex with each other in the past year.

Studies have shown that a man’s testosterone declines when he gets married and increases when he gets divorced. It’s almost like nature wants men to go out and find someone else to reproduce with.

Here’s the breakdown of sexless marriages by age brackets:

25-29: less than 4%
40-49: 8%
50-59: 22%
60-69: 38%
70+: 54%

Couples in which the man does 40% or more of the housework have significantly LESS sex than couples in which the woman does all the housework. (See Rollo’s “Choreplay” article.)

The definition of a sexless marriage (according to this study) is having sex less than 10 times per year.

What Creates a Sexless Marriage?

The study says the two biggest culprits of the sexless marriage are age and marital dissatisfaction.

Women who had their ovaries removed are twice as likely to experience low sexual desire than women who went through menopause naturally.

94% of couples think sex is integral to marital happiness. But only 26% of couples consciously work to improve and maintain their sex life. (Rollo thinks this stat is a bit misleading. It’s almost always the man who is trying to figure out how to improve.)

Rollo says one of the most common questions he gets from guys is “How do I get the frame back? We had so much sex before we were married. Now that we’re married, it’s like she turned the spigot off and only drip feeds me sex.”

Guys think sex will increase when they move in with a woman, but it almost always decreases. When the competition anxiety goes down, the sense of dread goes down and she’s less aroused. The ugency is gone. The frequency may increase (at first), but the intensity will decreases… and then the frequency will decrease as well.

If a woman sees you as an alpha opportunity, she’s going to break rules and perform all kinds of sexual gymnastics to lock you down.

Guys usually get the hottest sex when they meet the girl for the first time. When you add layers of familiarity it creates comfort, which is anti-seductive.

Rollo says the comfort, rapport, and routine is necessary for a healthy relationship. But this stuff can end up killing the passion if unchecked.

Men’s sexuality is always on. Women’s sexualaity is cyclical. A man can overcome the cycle if he’s perceived as alpha. Women tend to fake orgasms more for alpha men than they do for beta men.

What are the warning signs a guy should look for to know if something’s going to go sour after marriage?

The first warning sign is if she won’t take your last name or wants to hyphenate her last name.

Most guys who think they’re red pill aware, don’t realize how long it takes to internalize the awareness. If you think you’re going to have an egalitarian marriage, the problem is not with her, it’s with you. You still have work to do on yourself. You need to become more dominant.

Getting Admiration from a Woman

Does she admire you? Look up to you?

Men think they need a woman who “respects” him. But men and women have different concepts of respect. For women, respect is cheap. Men have to earn respect. Women expect to be resepected simply for being a woman.

Admiration is more important than respect. Rollo says respect is what you get when people recognize accomplishments that you put a lot of energy into (e.g. being “proud” of yourself for having done something.) Women don’t live in that world. They’re supposed to be respected simply because they’re a woman. Men think they have to respect a woman in order to have sex with her.

In reality, women do not care about respect so much as they care about the feelings that goes along with respect.

Admiration is wanting to be that person or be associated with that person. There is prestige or status associated with that guy.

If you see a photo where the woman is looking at her man instead of looking at the camera, that’s a tell that she has admiration for him. It’s difficult to get to that point because it’s a subconscious admission that she needs that man, and society programs that out of her.

All men in Western culture are taught to put women on a pedestal. We’re taught that the women in our life are more important than our own life. This plays upon man’s natural instinct to protect women.

In a “do or die” moment, there is an inate instinct in men to put themselves in front of a bullet for a woman. In a sense, this is a recognition that the woman’s life is more valuable than his life. “Sperm is cheap. Eggs are expensive.”

Rollo says admiration is triggered in a woman when the guys she’s with is one, two, or even three steps above her in sexual market value. She has settled on a optimal situation for her hypergamous intinct. e.g. Take an ordinary girl and pair her with Brad Pitt and she’s going to admire him. But pair Angilina Jolie with Brad Pitt and they’re going to compete because she thinks she’s at the same level as he is.

What if your wife becomes undesirable?

Most guys assume the sexual problems in the marriage are entirely his fault. In reality it’s a two-way street. Our culture says a man should love a woman “for who she is.” But men are biologically wired to be aroused by a certain female form. If the wife is overweight, he’s not going to be aroused. It’s not his fault.

Rollo tells guys “always demonstrate, never explicate.” Don’t tell your wife you want her to lose weight. Simply go to the gym yourself and get in better shape. Keep improving yourself until your sexual market value is undeniably higher than hers.

Dread is very effective if you know what to do with it. Dread comes in two flavors. There’s overt dread (e.g. “Hey bitch, you better lose some weight or I’m out of here.”)

Passive dread is when others give you compliments (e.g. one of her girlfriends commenting that you’re looking so much better these days). Most guys try to diffuse the situation (“don’t worry honey. It’s nothing. You’re the only girl for me.”) It’s better to let that competition anxiety linger. Rollo says passive dread is far more effective than overt dread.

Most women lose their sense of competition anxiety after marriage. They get relaxed and think no woman would ever want her husband so she can look however she wants to look.

Religion can also kill a woman’s competition anxiety. She feels like he is locked in because it’s what he’s “supposed to do.”

Or she might think you’re staying with her for good because of the kids.

Many guys are afraid to initiate dread because they think it’s going to upset the family balance.

Duty Sex

Rollo thinks “enthusiastic consent” is overboard for a measurment of rape, but he understands the perspective of the woman. Nobody wants to have duty sex. Women (and men) want to have the enthusiastic validational sex that comes from genuine desire.

Most marriages tend to devolve to transactional sex only over time.

40 year old guy. Been married for 15 years. What is a normal frequency of sex?

Rollo says 2-3 times per week is probably what most men would be satisfied with at that age and situation.

There was a guy who kept a spreadsheet of every time he asked his wife for sex and she said no. He’d record the reason she said no and tried to dedcuctively solve what the problem was.

Rollo doesn’t have a problem with a guy tracking that stuff if he needs to realize “I’m living in a sexless marriage.” Rollo says he used to track sexual frequency in his own marriage but stopped when he realized that super hot sex once a week is better than 3 rounds of starfish sex.

How to Have Hot Sex in a Marriage

Rollo thinks the best attitude for a man to have in a marriage is “You fuck me when you want to fuck me.” This instills a sense of passive dread in the woman. She’ll wonder why he no longer cares about meeting a quota anymore. This shifts the focus from frequency to quality.

Women need the chemical high they get from feeling like they almost lost something. Rollo says the hottest sex you’ll have with your wife won’t be when you go do date night. The hottest sex you’ll have with your wife is after you (almost) broke up with her. That’s the time you’ll probably have an unplanned pregnancy.

Many guys don’t like this because it sounds manipulative. But the reality is that women need the rush. It doesn’t matter what they feel, they just need to feel something. When you break the routine of familiarity, you trigger excitement in her.

This is why women like daytime television. They love to live vicariously through other women who are constantly having turmoil in their relationships (i.e. the girl who’s trying to “tame the alpha.”) She no longer gets it from you, so she seeks out other outlets.

Your wife wants to experience indignation. Find ways to give it to her.

Husbands have to figure out how to trigger that emotional rush (positive or negative) in their wives. Women will say “I don’t want to play games”… but they do. The game is how women feel alive.

Rollo’s keys to keeping married sex life hot:

  1. Find ways to trigger her indignation
  2. Maintain frame
  3. Maintain/improve your sexual marketplace value

Rollo says you don’t actually have to pair with a woman who’s below your sexual market value. She just needs to believe that you’re one step above her.

How does a man who’s in a sexless marriage get his game back?

Rollo wrote an article series on this topic called “The Reconstruction.”

Rollo says the hardest part for married guys is they don’t want to divorce their wives. They have a lot of emotional and financial investment into the marriage and they’re is probably kids involved. They want their wives to “come back around” (e.g. going from once a month sex to 4-5 times per month sex.)

Rollo says these guys need to focus on themselves. Get to the gym. Look better, feel better. Do it for yourself.

You need to pretend (mentally prepare yourself) that you’re breaking up with your woman. What would you do if you were planning on divorcing your wife?

If you don’t do it for yourself, you’re only doing it for her. She’ll pick up on that and say “he’s only doing this because he wants to have sex with me.” Demonstrate, do not explicate. You want to leave her with the impression that you’re planning on getting rid of her.

Sex is Fundamental

Rollo says “Without sex, what else is there? Sex is the glue that keeps a marriage together.” Sex is what defines a marriage between a man and a woman. You love your mom, you love your daughter, you love your sister, there’s a lot of women in your life, but you only have sex with your wife. Sex is the defining factor.

A man can get by on his own by hiring all the services a wife provides (e.g. maid, cook, etc.). A man can pay a prostitute to have sex with him, but he can’t make her genuinely desire him.

Genuine desire-based sex is the only unique thing the wife can bring to the table.

Yes, the relationship develops other complimentary things over time. You can become “good friends” with your wife and age into your 80s, but sex is the shared thing that defines the relationship.

Thanks for reading my notes. If you’re a bible-believer and want to go further down the rabbit hole of sexual reality, check out my article:


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