[Red Pill 101] Ep. 3: Transactional vs. Validational Sex

Big Ideas

  • Women’s sexual strategy is to get both the best genetics she can get and long-term provision… ideally in the same man, but most women today expect to have one guy for fucking and one for marrying.
  • Women genuinely want to have sex with alphas. They have “duty sex” with betas in exchange for provision.
  • If a man learns how to trigger desire in a woman, he can have more hot sex than most men think possible.
  • Christian girls are often the easiest to game because they are sexually repressed and crave sex with an alpha. Women will rationalize away religious convictions to fulfill her hypergamous instincts.
  • Most young men today are without direction and desperate for mentors. If you’ve internalized the red pill, you are a mentor.

Resources Mentioned


A man posted a tweet about a coupon book of “favors” he received for their 1st anniversary. The post went viral and many guys thought it was awesome.

Many guys see this as a benefit. They would LOVE to have a woman who gave him coupons for sexual favors. This indicates the man does not control the frame. He feels “lucky” to get sex.

Women’s Sexual Strategy

Hypergamy is women’s sexual strategy: alpha fucks, beta bucks; alpha seed, beta need.

Women have a dualistic sexual strategy. She’s looking for the best sex she can get from a guy with the best genetics she can get. At the same time, she is looking for a guy who is the best for provision, parental investment, and long-term security she can get. Ideally, she wants both qualities in the same guy, but many women don’t even bother to look for those qualities in the same guy today. One guy she wants to fuck, and one guy she wants to marry.

The guy who’s getting the coupons is clearly not the guy she wants to fuck. It’s “cookie time for good boy.” The marriage is based on transactional sex. This is not something a woman does who has genuine admiration and sexual desire for her husband.

Sex with an alpha male is validational. She wants to feel good, enjoy the experience, get off on the whole thing. This is the “enthusiastic consent” sex. It validates her ego.

“Women make rules for beta men and break rules for alpha men.”

~ Rollo Tomassi

Men who’ve never experienced validational sex don’t see anything wrong with transactional sex. It’s all they’ve ever known and they don’t know what they’re missing.

Women crave sex with alpha males when they’re in their ovulatory shift phase. When women are more fertile, she wants the guy who’s more masculine. When she’s in her down cycle (luteal phase), she wants the beta male. During that phase, women will give sex in exchange for some kind of service the man provides (transactional men.)

The Conditioned Beta

Generally, 80% of men are betas, 20% are alphas.

Betas are conditioned from a young age to pedestalize women. They feel “lucky” just to get any kind of sex from a woman. They don’t see any problem with the transactional sex model.

Men are taught that if they “help around the house” it will turn women on. But studies have found that women are only aroused when men do stereotypically masculine chores (e.g. splitting wood, mowing lawn, changing oil in the car). This conditions men to think (1) sex is transactional and (2) that men are owed sex.

The Sex Women Want

Validational sex is the sex that women want to have. They get hot for a guy and want to break rules to have sex with. The desire is unmitigated and organic. She hopes she’s good-looking enough and can qualify for that kind of guy.

The “sexy sons” theory (from The Red Queen) states that women want to have sex with a man she wants to have children with. “Oh, my kids would look really good if I had sex with this guy.” This is what’s going on subconsciously in her mind.

You cannot negotiate genuine desire. It’s either there or it’s not.

Beta Resentment

If you describe validational sex to men who have never experienced it, they think you are either lying or they hate you for it.

Most (beta) men resent the “alpha chads” who get lots of sex simply because of who they are. They feel they’re somehow cheating the system. They see them as outliers. They assume the guys are being abusive or manipulitve to the women. They can’t comprehend that women WANT to have sex with these guys.

Since we have unfettered hypergamy, it has freed women to focus almost exclusively on the top 20% of men. The bottom 80% has to find some way to rationalize why that is. He has to find some kind of rationalization why she spent her college years fucking alphas but now wants to settle down with him. He has to make up a story for himself, and usually the alpha she was going for is the villain.

Rollo estimates that among the 20% of men women want to have sex with, maybe 8-10% understand themselves and the game well enough to be a “player.” The rest of them are just going along for the ride without understanding what’s happeing.

Rollo estimates that the “enthusiastic consent” movement will disolve a lot of marriages. Many women view sex with their husband as a “chore” (duty sex) because there is no genuine desire. Feminists are now trying to construe that as rapeā€¦ she had the sex, but it was sex she didn’t really want to have.

Can a man sustain validational (desire-based) sex with a woman?

Rollo says it depends on the guy. He has to be red pill aware. And he needs to know women well enough to understand how to trigger that kind of sex so that it becomes the norm for him.

Rollo doubts it’s possible to have validational sex 100% of the time, but thinks it can be triggered way more often than most guys think possible.

Even a guy who’s in a transactional sex marriage is not without hope. Rollo’s seen guys who get awakened while married and mentally accept that they’re breaking up with their wives. This creates a sense of dread in the woman and she ends up becoming something she never thought she could be for that guy.

It’s especially common for Christian women to describe sex as a “duty.” They’re really not into it but they’re doing it to keep the peace in the home.

The Danger of Pick Up Artistry

Rollo thinks the most dangerous aspect of pick up artistry is the idea of pushing past the last minute resistance. If you have to push a woman to have sex with you, it’s a sign that her desire for you is not 100% natural. The sexual experience is just not worth it if there’s not genuine desire.

Rollo says most natural alphas are not into “shit tests.” If she gives him resistance (e.g. “I have a boyfriend”) he just says “OK. Fine.” He knows he has options, so he doesn’t need to push past the resistance.

What’s the difference between persistance and begging?

Rollo thinks the idea of persistance comes from a beta/bluepill mindset. They feel they have to qualify for sex. He believes because he’s done everything right (e.g. gets his shit together, owns a business, is a leader of men) that he should be qualified to be some woman’s ideal for validational sex. But that’s not always the case.

If a man has to be “persistant” to get a girl, it means he wasn’t her first priority.

“If a woman makes you wait for sex, the sex is never worth the wait.”

~ Rollo

It means she’s got her eye on somebody else and you’re Plan B.

What about women who have religious reservations about jumping into bed with a guy?

Rollo thinks religious conviction is a convenient way for women to rationalize these things.

How many of these women would break their rules to get with a guy who was two or three steps above her in sexual market value?

There’s a lot of players who will say sometimes Christian girls are the easiest to get into bed because they feel repressed and they don’t want to turn down an opportunity for alpha sex.

Women will always be hypergamous and want the best for her sexual and biological imperative. When she’s presented with a high enough value man, it doesn’t matter what her religious convictions are, she will find a way to rationalize why she did what she did. She’ll find a way to be sexual with the man within the context of whatever is religiously acceptable to them.

Misconceptions About Hypergamy

Hypergamy is not a straight jacket. Just because she’s in her down cycle (luteal phase) does not mean she won’t have sex with an alpha. She might fake an orgasm, but she’s doing so because she sees you as a high-value alpha. She wants to keep you on the hook and pleasure you because when she comes back to her ovulatory cycle, she wants to make sure you’re still around so she can have a lot more fun with you when she’s really into it.

Another misconception guys have is they think their wife is going to cheat on him during her ovulatory cycle because she’s not that into him. In reality, she may want to have sex with YOU more. She sees you as something that’s satisfying and available and she really does want to have sex with you.

For women who are in a “happy relationship” she tends to have more sex with the guy she’s with during her fertile time of month. It’s when she’s in an unhappy relationship that she starts to look for guys outside the relationship during the ovulatory cycle.

Transactional vs. validational sex stems from hypergamy. Women are trying to balance the equation. When you put a woman into a lifelong monogamous situation with a guy who is a fantastic provider but not as exciting as her lover(s) she had during her college days, that’s where a lot of the divorces happen.

What are the qualities a man needs for a woman to want to have validational sex?

Rollo says a man needs conventional masculine signifiers (the physical side of things).

When a woman is in the 15-25 age range, women are focused primarily on the physical. They don’t have any appreciation for a guy who would make for a good provider. She’s looking for physique, physical prowess, muscularity, signifiers of high testosterone. She’s only interested in a “hot guy” at this phase.

When a woman is mid-twenties to mid-thirties she looks for personality characteristics that signify he’s a good long-term partner.

Social media tends to inflate a woman’s self-assessment of her value. She may be a 5 but think she deserves a guy who’s an 8 or 9. This is leading to a large number of women in their mid-thirties who remain unmarried. They overestimated they’re sexual market value and are still looking for the hot guy.

Most women do not look for the “alpha fuck” and “beta buck” in the same guy anymore. One guy’s for fucking and one guy’s for marrying. And the guy that’s for marrying is getting slimmer and slimmer for the qualifications she’s willing to accept for that guy because she can meet those needs on her own.

The Myth of Equality

Men and women are not designed to be equal in a relationship. They are designed to be complimentary.

There’s a reason you never see a country with two co-equal presidents. Ultimately, someone has to be in charge, the dominant. Sometimes it’s the male. Sometimes it’s the female.

It is human nature to create dominance hierarchies. Men’s hierarchies are based on merit. Women tend to distribute resources equally.

Men will distribute resources as rewards for service. The guy who does more work or does a better job or brings in more sales, etc. will get more money than the guy who’s just the average Joe.

We live in a feminine-dominant social order. Women like to pretend that we’re all equal. They want to distrube the resources equally to everyone.

There is no such thing as equality. For example, you rarely see males teaching kids in the 5th grade and below. Men simply do not have the temperament or patience to nurture young children.

Men tend to be more interested in things. Women tend to be more interested in people. Women are more adept at communication and sub-communication. Men have better spatial ability; they can imagine things in 3D and better find their way back from places.

Boys tend to have better hand-eye coordination (e.g. throwing rocks.) Boys naturally know how to throw with their shoulders back. Girls have to be taught to throw. This is why we have the phrase “you throw like a girl.”

The strengths of men compensate the weaknesses of women and vice versa. Men and women are better together than apart.

When we start saying we’re all the same, we get into trouble. There are challenges in our environment that men are better suited for, and there are challenges that women are better suited for.

We are tearing apart men and women by denying the complimentary roles between the genders.

How does a man learn his complimentary role without having a masculine role-model?

You have to have a role model. This is why we have the Lost Boys generation. They’re looking to men they see (e.g. Rollo, Jordan Peterson, etc.) for the fathers they never had. They’re looking for guys who say “Here’s what you need to do” and give them some sort of direction. Most young men are rudderless in life.

If you’ve internalize red pill awareness, you are a mentor.

The bottom 80% of men look at the top 20% of men who sexually successful and do one of two things. They either get upset and resentful or they completely cut themselves and go MGTOW (“the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.”). Between those two extremes are the guys who are questioning and looking for mentors.

That concludes my show notes. I hope you found them valuable.

If you are a Bible-believer who still wants to get laid, I strongly recommend un-cucking yourself ASAP. Read my article:


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